to precious soul

hi there. We're still here. Where are you?

2012-01-14T22:47:00.000-08:00

Dear PS2,

What a blessed 2011 we had.

Your dad arrived safely from his 3rd deployment to Afghanistan.

We celebrated your sister's 1st birthday.

Charley hit amazing milestones like learning how to walk (at 13 months), her first word (beside momma? "ruff ruff"), and now she is a true toddler: tantrums, babbling, and all. It's amazing to see her grow.

We thought it was time to start trying for you last summer, but we just weren't ready. We needed to time it with dad's upcoming 4th deployment and our pending moves. But I think we're ready...

I'm thinking of you.. And just as I told Charley..I love you even before your heart starts beating. We are constantly praying for you. 2012 is your year, kid.

love,
your momma

PS2

2011-04-01T21:49:00.000-07:00

Dear PS2,

You are on my heart and mind. Your big sister Charley is growing strong and beautiful. She is so full of joy and loves to smile and laugh. There is not a day that goes by that she is not smiling for everyone in Starbucks, or cracking up at your momma. Oh...

But my Precious Soul (#2), you are on my heart. I went to see Dr. W today. He was happy to see me and we did an exam to just see if it's possible. With one tube gone, he said it was going to be tricky, but he is positive it will turn out okay. We will start trying after Charley turns 1. I'll be done with breastfeeding and then we can focus on you.

Another tough journey, but you will come. We're thinking about you already. Charley and I pray every night that your journey will be short and sweet. We have a year window when dad gets back until his next deployment...

love, momma

PS-Charley and I are like barnacles. You can be our barnacle too.

i'm a momma

2010-07-03T19:57:00.001-07:00

Dear Charley,

I love you and all the faces you make. You melt my heart, even during those sleepless nights when all you want to do is to be held.

Thank you for loving me as your momma. I'm not perfect, but I know for sure that I love you.

love, your momma

PS-I am not sure how often I will update this blog. We have made a family website where we will upload pictures, so feel free to stop by at any time.

your arrival

2010-06-26T09:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Charley,

You are finally here. You were born on Sunday, June 20, 2010 at 7:09 am: Father's Day! It was a long and difficult labor, but as all mommas say: it was worth it. Here's a summary of how you entered the world.

On Friday, I anticipated being admitted in the evening to be induced, however, the nurses on the labor and delivery floor called and told me to come in since it was quiet on the floor. So Auntie Christina and I ate breakfast, I took a shower, finished packing, made sure I took a dump, and headed to the hospital.

They started pitocin to start my contractions around 2 pm. I was only about 1.5-2 cm dilated at that point.

Friday night, I was only about 3 cm dilated. I started feeling contractions that night, but was disappointed that I was still only 3 cm dilated the following morning. They gave me some pain killers to help me sleep.

Saturday morning, I got an epidural. It wasn't as bad as I anticipated it to be, although the look on dad's face made it seem like the needle was as bigger than anything he had seen.

Around 1 pm, Dr E came in and told me I was only 3-4 cm dilated. She broke my water, which didn't hurt at all.

We really thought you were coming soon, but that night, I was only 5 cm dilated. It frustrated me so much as I started to feel the contractions more and more. Both dad and Auntie Christina stayed with me Saturday night.

Dr. E came in around midnight and said that if I am not fully dilated by 6 am, then we are going to do a c-section. Yay! That's exactly what I thought was going to happen..

..when at 3 am, I started having full on contractions where I wanted to push! Dr. E came in and told me I was fully dilated and it was almost time to push. She said to wait an hour to really start pushing as it might take longer than expected. I did some practice pushes with the nurse, but when it got too painful, I pressed the button for more epidural, and then I couldn't feel the contractions anymore. The nurse told me to rest to let the epidural die down because it is important that I know how and where to push.

So, I waited. The contractions hurt. I was not happy.

When I started feeling the urge to push again, dad and Christina held my legs and I started to push. It was the hardest thing EVER. It took practice to learn how to read the build up of my contractions and when and how to push.

I was seriously in a zen zone during the whole pushing process. I would rest in between the contractions and then push my hardest when it was time. Dad and Christina were the best coaches ever, and they saw EVERYTHING.

At 7 am, the nurses shifted and the nurse from Saturday, Darla, reassigned herself so she could be with me. She was so awesome and helped me visualize how to push. Dr. E kept asking me if I wanted to see her hair, her head, etc...but I refused. I needed to be in my zone and that would have truly thrown me off.

Anyways, when I felt I couldn't do it anymore, I pushed my hardest and you popped out. You pooped on the way out, which meant that dad had to cut your umbilical cord really fast and they took you away to clean you.

I had a lot of bleeding afterward. I lost about 600 ccs of blood. I had one tear, but was very swollen. Also, during labor, I felt my tailbone pop, which made for a horrible recovery afterward.

I was so exhausted, but about 30 minutes later, I was able to hold you and feed you. You were perfect. Dad even cried a bit.

It was a long labor. 44 hours total, with over 3 hours of pushing, but you made it. You are healthy, beautiful, and so perfect. It makes me cry to even think that God blessed us with you.

We stayed on the Maternal-Infant Ward for 2 days. I learned how to breastfeed, and you slept a lot. I developed a horrible migraine that didn't go away with all the pain medications. Later they realized that this migraine was because of the epidural..it happens to 2% of women..so I had to get ANOTHER EPIDURAL to fix it. In addition, because of all the blood loss, I was so weak and couldn't move too much, which was fine since my tailbone was injured and it hurt even to move my legs. It was a long recovery process..the only bright side was that I could eat whatever I wanted now!

We took you home on Tuesday. Since then it has been a learning process. We realized that you are nocturnal, and are so alert at night! AAAH! You also looooooove to be held as you fall asleep...AAAAH!

Breastfeeding has been easy. It did hurt in the beginning, but I think you and I have finally gotten into a good flow. My milk has finally come in and you seem to be eating well.

You are a bit jaundice, so we have been to the pediatrician every day to monitor it. Good news is that it is going away..so we'll just have to get you in indirect sunlight everyday and make sure you are pooping and peeing accordingly. Also, good news is that you are gaining weight. Yay!

You are so precious, Charley. We love all the faces you make and the way you melt our hearts. It is hard work for sure, and I have been very emotional at times, but I am so thankful for you. I even caught you laughing in your sleep.

Also, I couldn't survive without Auntie Christina. She has been an awesome supporter in every single way--she cleans, cooks, takes turns sleeping with me to take care of you, and has helped me through my most emotional break downs. She loves you so much, Charley!

We love you and I can't believe you're here and you're mine!

love, momma

journey

2010-06-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

(click to see larger)

Dear Charley,

In the words of Journey...

Don't stop believing

We made it!

I have a feeling I am going to bawl my eyes out when I meet you. I love you.

love, momma @ 40 weeks

2 cm

2010-06-15T20:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Charley,

Please come out. Please come out.

I saw Dr. E today. I am only 2 cm dilated...my mucus plug has left the building. It doesn't look like you are going to come in the next few days, so we will go with the induction as planned.

Friday evening I'll check in, get some meds to ripen the cervix, and then sleep overnight. By morning, I'll get some more meds to start the contractions. Then...I'll go into labor and then X hours later, you'll be here! AAAAH!

I'm feeling more anxious. I feel big. You are dropping. My pelvic bone still hurts. My feet are itchy. I'm cranky, moody, emotional. I cry a lot.

Good news is that my maternity leave starts today, so I can relax and enjoy the next few days. Chris and I had a quiet weekend, our last in a very loooong time. We always talk about how we can't wait to meet you.

Here is momma on a walk on the beach. I love that we can just walk to the ocean..it is so therapeutic.

See you soon!

love, momma

39 weeks and yucky stuff

2010-06-11T16:07:00.001-07:00

Dear Charlotte,

39 weeks! Woohoo! Next week by this time, either:

1. You'll already be here!
2. I'll be at the hospital going through labor.

Crazy!

I hope you come out earlier though. I am feeling HUGE these days..and just horrible. Yes, I think my mucus plug/the bloody show has occurred. Sorta gross. Aunt Karen said after this happened, 2 days later she had you. Crossing my fingers!!

There's a lot of pressure down there..as if I have a bruise on my pelvic bone, or a bowling ball or something. It hurts especially at night...I can't even move around without grabbing my crotch. Ew. TMI. Sorry.

Your movements are more like pushes, rather than hard kicks or jabs.

I pampered myself with a pedicure and it was wonderful!

It is so amazing you will be here soon enough. I pray for a quick delivery and for you to be healthy in every single way-physically, mentally, and emotionally.

love, momma @ 39 weeks

stripping membranes

2010-06-08T20:28:00.001-07:00

Dear Charley,

Will you come out already??

I saw Dr. E and she said I am 1 cm dilated. She asked if I wanted my membranes stripped, and I said--why not? If it will help induce labor...then go for it. But unfortunately, it was a bit painful. After, I had some cramping and some contractions too..both in the uterus and lower back. Yuck. But I feel better now. We'll see if it will actually speed up the process...I researched online and some people say YES it does, while others argued NO. Boo.

I'm not afraid of my water breaking. I don't care where it happens...but I am afraid of labor pains. AAAAAAAAH> But I keep convincing myself that our bodies were made to do this (Damn you Eve!).

If you don't come by the 18th, Dr. E will induce me. I just have to call that morning and make sure they have beds available.

I'm still working until next Tuesday...but it's getting harder. I sleep for 8-10 hours a night, but I am still so tired. I take daily short walks, but my feet and pelvic bone ache.

Ek, let me stop complaining. You're doing well in there...and we should focus on that. We're going to make sure you have skin to skin time with both me and daddy right when you come out. I can't wait to smell you.

love, momma @ 38.5 weeks.

books

2010-06-04T08:02:00.000-07:00

Dear Charley,

2 more weeks! Hopefully sooner. I am more tired these days..sleeping about 8 hours a night and still having a hard time getting up. My back is starting to hurt if I stand/walk/sit too long. Dad is working hard and is very stressed with his job. This gives me anxiety too, but we just keep hoping everything works out for the best.

I have to recommend these two books to any mommas out there. We read Happiest Baby on the Block for calming techniques and Babywise to help put you on a schedule. I have heard WONDERFUL things about both books, so I hope all this reading pays off!

Last night before bed, dad and I practiced swaddling, changing diapers, and breast feeding holds. It's so funny that this idea of a baby will become a reality soon!

love, momma

everything changes

2010-06-01T15:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Charley,

We had a great memorial day weekend..probably our last holiday with just us and our friends. I keep thinking how different our life is going to be when the next holiday, July 4th, comes around.

Anyways, here is dad and I at Laguna Beach. We had a good day of shopping, eating, cupcaking, and watching the sunset on the beach:

And the above picture is momma having a beer. ha! Kidding. We went to the beach, but I did not dare to take off my sundress! Eeek, I'm not that brave!

We installed the car seats....

...and we're ready...almost! I think we're both getting anxious and excited to meet you little girl!

love, momma

PS- I think my nose is getting wider and flatter with this pregnancy. Gross.

Thank You Card from Charley

2010-05-29T00:01:00.000-07:00

I am sure you have seen this image from me a lot..but I love it! I modified it to make a personalized thank you card from Charley.

Doesn't it look like me at 37 weeks? (but..I look more tired in real life):

You can see more of my hand drawn designs at gracieKdesigns. Let me know if you would like me to make you something!

okay come out now!

2010-05-28T08:08:00.000-07:00

Dear Charley,

I saw a Nurse Practitioner this week, instead of Dr. E who is on vacation. It was a very rushed appointment, and I hate feeling like that! But, your heart beat is still strong, your head is down, and you are dropping! AAAH!

Here are some updates:

-You are pushing down and I am feeling you push, along with some contractions. They hurt. It feels like I always have to take a big dump (sorry, so crass) and it is so uncomfortable!

-Chris claims I snore at night. It is a symptom of pregnancy...plus I am so tired all the time now!

-I finally cleaned out my belly button. It is flush against my skin..not quite sticking out. I hated this! I got the gunk out, but why does it always feel so funny to clean it out?? It makes me cringe, then laugh, then scream! AAAH, I'm so weird.

-I haven't gained any weight in the last 2 weeks. I heard that your weight gain slows down as you get closer to delivery. I have officially gained 22 pounds.

-I have washed all your clothes, packed my hospital bag (well, at least made a list), and sterilized all your bottles and binkies. You'll be here soon enough!

-I took a breastfeeding class and it made me confident that I can do this! Yes!

-I am getting so tired now. A 45 minute walk = falling asleep at 8:30.

-We selected a Korean name for you, well actually Chris's mom picked it out. I wanted Sagwa, which means Apple in Korean..and she liked it too..but we decided on something more meaningful. Since your middle name is Grace, your Korean name will be Eunhae, which means Grace. Yay.

Oh and today is momma's birthday. I'm 30. I don't care.

love, momma @ 37 weeks (full term!)

36 weeks. wow

2010-05-22T11:41:00.000-07:00

Dear Charley,

4 more weeks! At the end of this week, you'll be considered full term! I can't believe we made it this far!!

I think you are getting a little squished in there and you are dropping. I feel pressure in the vaginal area, as if your head is pushing and pushing. Ow! You are so active at night, right before bed...and I wake up before 5 am most mornings and can't go back to sleep. It's funny how God gets you ready for life after a baby.

I am getting more tired and now strangers are saying things like, "Wow. Looks like you're going to pop at any moment." Ha! Here's what I look like..I'm holding these cutie booties made from vintage fabric:

I am starting to use lanolin on my nipples to prep for breast feeding and I am happy to report of no stretch marks thus far!

I am definitely in nesting mode...washing all the sheets and clothes, sterilizing bottles and nipples, and prepping for your arrival! I am even practicing swaddling with the SwaddleMe and Miracle Blanket.

I am so amazed at how small you are going to be when I pick up a newborn size diaper. They are so tiny!!!!

I still don't feel ready yet! The co-sleeper is set up in our room, the swing is set up downstairs...but I still need a bajillion things from babies R us! Just give me a few more weeks and then we'll be ready Charley!!

Can't wait to meet you!!!!

love, momma @ 36 weeks.

shower you with love!

2010-05-20T21:20:00.000-07:00

Dear Charley,

Your baby shower was such a wonderful day! I felt so blessed to be surrounded by so many friends.

The girls put together a ballet themed shower, complete with my ballet pictures and my first pair of ballet slippers. Kimmy made awesome food and the cheesy games were okay too.

You got a lot of great presents and I have to say that your dad and I are so so so lucky to have such a wonderful support system around us. There are so many people waiting to meet you!

More of an update on you and me later. For now, enjoy the pictures!

love, momma

nursery.

2010-05-11T21:19:00.000-07:00

Dear Charley,

Here are some pictures of your nursery. I am not 100% satisfied with it, but it will do for now.

We tried mixing more modern pieces (the dog lamp, the rocking chair, and the crib) with more vintage pieces (the old frames, the old dresser your dad painted, vintage alphabet blocks that spell your name, antique kokeshi doll).

I hung up a few strings of butterflies that your dad got me a long time ago. The prints above your crib are all from etsy. We have A LOT of books from my kindergarten teaching days on the bookshelves.

I tried using a lot of yellow and blue, but it doesn't quite come together.

Oh well, I hope you like it!

love, momma

holy moly i'm huge!

2010-05-10T20:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Charley,

Hello little baby. I saw Dr. E today who said I was measuring exactly at 34 weeks, 5 days. We talked about my induce date, which will probably happen right at 40 weeks..unless you decide to come earlier. I have to say, I really like Dr. E.

Things have been going well. Your dad and I are trying to figure out his training schedule. At first it really stressed me out, but we are confident that God does not give us more than we can handle.

Chris's first big training will be in June, and he'll be back on the 11th. That means if I go into labor early, my friend will drive me to the hospital and Chris will meet me there. Good thing this training is on Camp Pendleton.

His next big training is a trip to Afghanistan in July. He'll be gone for 15-20 days. He is going to try and fight this one, but it looks like they are going to make him go.

Then mid-August to mid-September, he's off to the desert in Northern California for the intense pre-deployment training.

Then in beginning of October, he leaves for his THIRD deployment, this time to Afghanistan for 7 months.

Ah! Ah! Ah! The great news is that Aunt Christina is coming right after you are born to help with you. Then, your dad's mom is willing to come in July while Chris is gone. I think I'll be fine in August until I go back to work in September. It seems overwhelming, but I am more worried about dad having time to bond with you. He gets paternity leave for 10 days, which he is absolutely going to take.

Again, deep breaths. Charley, we are going to be okay. I just pray you are a happy and healthy baby. Please do not be colicky.

In other exciting news, my big baby shower bash is this Saturday! Aunt Christina, Aunt Karen, and BFF Ina are flying in! About 30 people are coming to celebrate you!! Now I hope I get things off my registry because there are a lot of things we have yet to get.

Well, here is momma at 34 weeks. I realized that I am getting bigger and bigger! I feel great though..lots of energy, sleeping through the night (except to pee 3+ times), and exercising daily.

This picture will also give you a sneak into your nursery that is almost finished..there is no real theme, but I think you'll love it. We steered away from cutesy.

We love you little bubba!

love, momma

mother's day

2010-05-09T08:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Charley,

Mother's Day! Yay!

I promise to be a good momma to you. I struggle with the fact if I will be or not, since I myself did not have a mother. My mom is/was sick most of her life and she never gave me the kind of love I sought from a mother figure. Sometimes I still blame her and I am still angry that she was so emotionally absent. At times I fear that I will not have motherly instincts because I never had a mom.

BUT, I am confident that God will bless me immensely with love that overflows for you. Luckily I had a loving and caring father who showed me both motherly and fatherly love through his life.

Charley, I love you and even though I won't be perfect, I hope you will see how much I cherish being your mom.

I am 34 weeks pregnant and I feel so blessed to have made it this far. If you come early, I know that you'll make it. I still cannot believe how faithful God is and how wonderful he is in blessing us with this miracle.

I love you so much, and I haven't even met you yet.

love, momma

we saw you!

2010-05-01T21:23:00.000-07:00

Dear Charley,

We got to see you! Your dad and I did a 3D/4D ultrasound and it was so cool! We got to see you move around in your little home and even got a sneak peek at what you may look like when you come into the world.

So, here's what we saw:

-you're definitely a girl.

-you have a lot of hair!

-it looks like you have my nose and your dad's lips.

-you yawned a lot.

-you like to put your hands under your chin.

-you like to stick out your tongue.

-you have chubby cheeks.

-you like to do "happy baby," touching your hands to your feet.

-you like to push up on momma's belly.

-you are about 4 lbs 9oz right now.

-you can open and close your eyes.

Here are some 3D shots of you:

I am so thankful you are doing well in there...and I can't wait to meet you in person!

love,
momma @ 33 weeks.

hello darling.

2010-04-23T22:26:00.000-07:00

Dear Charley,

8 more weeks and you'll be here! We are so excited! Dad came back last weekend and it has been non-stop unpacking and getting settled in. We put together your crib and dad is painting your dresser. I can't wait to see how the nursery turns out...even I don't have a clue!

I saw my new doctor, Dr. E today. She is extremely knowledgeable and personable. I really like her and have 100% confidence in her. I am measuring at exactly 32 weeks. I haven't gained a pound since last month, but she said that was okay. Ever since I have been on my "diet" for gestational diabetes, I have lost weight and now have gained it back. I feel great though..but sometimes I do sneak in a cookie. Ha!

You are moving around a lot, which is great. I feel your little feet pushing against my stomach and you're still poking me in the ribs. You seem to move a lot when I'm hungry or while I'm eating. You've been pretty good at night, though. Let's hope this is a pattern that continues after you are born.

I started my job, which I really am enjoying. It's going to be hard to leave you, but we found a great in-home daycare provider near our home that will love you so much. I am just praying and praying that I will get the full 12 weeks at home with you.

Well, love, here is mama at 32 weeks:

I love you!

love,
momma

kick in the ribs

2010-04-15T19:56:00.000-07:00

Dear Charley,

A few more days and dad will be here! Yay!

So momma got a new job. I am very excited to begin, but I am already feeling mom guilt about leaving you! I have been interviewing in-home day cares around our house and I think I found the right one for you. She only has one infant spot left, so I pray that I will make my decision fast and that she will take you. I just want to let you know that I believe I will be a better momma to you if I work. Don't worry, we will still get to spend the first 12 weeks together.

Dr. W from the infertility clinic called the other week just to check up on me. He was so kind and made me feel so special. I visited him today in the clinic and he was just so happy to see you growing inside of me. He even did an off-the-book ultrasound...a 3D one..but unfortunately, you had your face buried again. But we did get to confirm that you were a girl (yay!) and that your brain is developing nicely. Good girl!

God has been blessing us in so many ways. I am so grateful for his grace and his love. I can't wait for you to get here! Now please stop kicking me in the ribs! :)

love, momma

10 more weeks!

2010-04-11T11:37:00.001-07:00

Dear Charley,

I am 30 weeks! That means 10 weeks and you'll be here! Hoorah!

I feel you hiccuping. Hahaha.

I love you. I wonder what you look like.

love, momma

blessed

2010-04-08T22:46:00.001-07:00

Dear God,

I just want to say how thankful I am to be blessed with so many great things in my life. Thank you so much for Charley...for her health and growth. You truly do listen to prayers.

Thank you also for blessing our family with a beautiful home, new job opportunities, and friends who we can rely on.

Thank you for the gift of resilience that you have instilled in me. I know it's something people may take for granted, but I see it as a gift. You allow me to have faith in seemingly desolate situations and you always pick me right up when I fall. Thank you.

love, grace

we're home!

2010-04-03T12:27:00.000-07:00

Dear Charley,

We're home! San Diego is as beautiful as I remember and our new home in Carlsbad is so perfect for us! Now to make it complete is dad, who will arrive in about 3 weeks.

Here we are walking on the beach:

love, momma @ 29 weeks

3rd tri

2010-03-26T13:47:00.000-07:00

Dear Charlotte,

Today I enter into my 3rd trimester! Eeek!

I started (finally) using stretch mark cream, as I hear they can develop in the last few months of pregnancy.

You are still moving and grooving in there. The other day dad and I just watched my belly as you fidgeted all around. We could see you throwing elbows and moving...strange but very cool.

I took my glucose test today.

I leave Missouri on Tuesday for San Diego. Then, I wait there until dad comes in mid-April. I hope everything works out with finding a doctor and that the transition to our new home is smooth. I can't wait to start decorating!

I do want to note that I am so thankful that wherever I go, I am able to meet great people and find friends. My Missouri friends (all the Army wives) threw me a baby shower last week and I was so humbled by all of their kindness and love. You got some really cute girly clothes, Charley!

Can't wait for San Diego!

love, momma

insomnia & thoughts

2010-03-19T02:59:00.001-07:00

Dear Charley,

It's 4:30 am and you woke me up. I can't fall back asleep. Well, at least I don't have to work tomorrow so I can take naps whenever needed.

See the above pictures? They were taken at the Commanding General's Reception last night. I realized that I am getting so much bigger! It truly does feel like a basketball is protruding out of me...

..but, I am very grateful for that basketball. I look back on our journey and this blog and I realize how blessed Chris and I are. You are such a miracle, Charley. We have loved you and have been praying for you for over a year, and now you are almost here. Sometimes I think to myself: I don't deserve this...but God is good and he gives us exactly what we need at exactly the right time. By the time you are born, it will be almost exactly a year since we started our fertility treatments. Wow.

You are a miracle, Charley. A blessing from God. We love you.

love, momma @ 27 weeks

jeans make me happy

2010-03-13T05:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Charley,

I bought some maternity clothes..finally...all from the Gap. I was very happy with the Long & Lean Jeans that I bought there and I finally feel "normal." I decided that I like the full panel style of pants since I can pull it entirely over my belly. I also bought a pair of khakis that are okay, and a few shirts...but I find that I can wear my non-pregnancy shirts just fine. I also have flowy maxis and dresses that I can't wait to start wearing once we are back in warm San Diego.

Anyways, here I am at 26 weeks (!!) in my new jeans:

Other news, I have started to get those leg cramps I have heard about during the night. I used to get them all the time when I worked out hard, but man, do they hurt!

Sleeping is getting to be more of a challenge...I find myself lying on my back most of the time. I know you're not supposed to, but it doesn't bother me..

We found our home in San Diego and I can't wait to start our family there. There are still big decisions to be made, but I trust in God 100%, he always takes care of us.

Bye little girl!

love, momma

hi.

2010-03-05T21:22:00.000-08:00

nursery ideas

2010-03-02T11:23:00.000-08:00

Dear Charley,

So, I've been feeling a bit dizzy, lethargic, and nauseous the past few days. I am not sure what's wrong. Plus, I've been getting cramps while working out...so maybe this means I have to lighten my workout a bit? I see my doc in a few days so we'll see what he says.

The good news is that you're kicking and moving around like crazy. It gives me peace of mind that you're alive and well in there.

I've been thinking about the nursery some..but I can't really do too much planning since we don't even have our home in California yet. I don't have a theme in mind, just colors: yellow (of course), gray, maybe a touch of turquoise. We bought a modern-ish crib and also an old dresser that we are going to sand, prime, and paint a bright yellow. So, I don't know if the nursery is going to be modern or shabby chic... whatever, I never stay within design limits.

I love checking out etsy and putting things in my favorites folder. Here are some things that I think I am going to purchase for your room:

from old crow's farm shop

from the wheatfield shop

from dede etsy shop

and isn't this so sweet:

from mykonos shop

and i love this:

from kil sook's shop

and this wall decal would be so cool to put up:

from decor design's shop

Okay! Enough! Your dad says I can't buy any of them, but we'll see how that turns out...

I hope you like the way your room turns out!

love, momma

23 weeks

2010-02-23T19:56:00.000-08:00

23 weeks pregnant and I think it's finally time to buy some maternity clothes. I am sick of leggings and long cardigans under shirts.

emotions

2010-02-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Charlotte,

Emotions and being emotional is a part of pregnancy, I know...but I've been hit with the blues lately and it makes me so sad.

First, I just don't feel pretty anymore. With my belly now obviously protruding out, I just feel fat and ugly. The other day, I just cried and cried my eyes out to your dad because he was not making me feel pretty. I think I made him feel horrible and he tells me everyday now how beautiful I am. Here he is kissing you:

Second, I feel really lonely during this process.

Third, I'm having some anxiety about the future. We have no idea where we are going to live once we move back to San Diego. By the time we are settled into our new home, we'll have about a month left until you arrive, which means scrambling to make sure we have everything. Plus, I am torn whether I want to go back to work or stay home. On top of that, it is almost certain that Chris will be deployed by the end of this year.

So with all of this, PLUS the new mom worries of breast feeding, anxieties about a new baby, changing responsibilities, fears about getting back into shape, etc...I'm just having a low point. I am sure it will pass.

love, momma @ 23 weeks

daddy felt you

2010-02-17T00:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Charley,

Dad is a captain now! Yay! You should be very proud of him.

He finally felt you kick the other day. Yay!

We love you!

love, momma

i just can't resist

2010-02-16T09:24:00.000-08:00

Dear Charley,

I just couldn't resist buying this for you:

Adorable! I did restrain myself from buying other cute clothing items, but I just had to get at least one outfit for you.

Dad says we can't spoil you. I agree....but I love clothes......! Maybe we'll go on secret shopping sprees without dad knowing..hahaha.

love, momma

registries and a surprise!

2010-02-15T09:09:00.000-08:00

Dear Charlotte,

I am finally finished with the baby registries! My oh my what a headache those things are! Good thing I had Aunt Karen and my friend Hana to help me out. They each gave me a list of all the important things I would need for you. I can't believe all the things a little human being needs! We are registered both at babies r us and at buy buy baby, since both had different items that we needed. If any moms-to-be need any advice with baby stuff, just let me know and I'll send over pages and pages of detailed recommendations.

We got a great surprise from Hana the other day! She sent me an entire package full of baby essentials. She was so thoughtful and bought me something important for each month of your life. I love the way she wrapped each item and I absolutely love everything she got for you. Thank you soooo much Hana!

It's good to have mommy friends who can help me through all of this.

love, momma

vday and grandpa

2010-02-14T09:00:00.000-08:00

Dear Charlotte,

Valentines Day blows...but this year dad surprised me with a beautiful Tiffany's charm bracelet and two charms. One is a heart from him and the other was to celebrate you! He got me this:

and then engraved it with your initials on the back. I love it! I love the concept of charm bracelets and I can't wait to keep adding to it as our life progresses. It will be sort of like a story...

Anyways, it was also my dad's birthday over the weekend. Although I don't like to dwell on it too much, I do wish he was here to meet you. He would have been such a funny grandpa and you would have loved him so much. I miss him a lot, but I am excited to see if you have any of him in you...

Happy Valentines Day, Charley.

love, momma

your name

2010-02-05T14:29:00.000-08:00

Dear PS,

Good thing you're a girl, because dad and I only agreed on girls names. With boys names, we were all across the board. So we finalized your name (which was quite easy!), and we're naming you:

but we're going to call you Charley...

because boys names for girls is so rad.

love, momma

...on being pregnant

2010-02-03T14:06:00.000-08:00

Dear PS,

Here's mama with her big belly. You're in there! And you're moving like crazy! I feel you kicking, doing somersaults (forreal), and moving, moving, moving! Dad can't feel you yet, but I'm sure as you get bigger, you'll make sure he knows you're there.

It's quite obvious now that I am pregnant. I wear leggings a lot, or just hang out in yoga pants. I guess at some point I'll have to buy some maternity clothes.

We saw Dr. A today who told us everything was normal and fine with your anatomy. He advised us not to do a 4D ultrasound..but I kinda want to!

Being pregnant has been fine, except for some funny symptoms that I'll share with you. It's a little TMI, but I like to tell it like it is!

1. Sometimes I get blood in my stool. This is so gross, but so very normal. TMI, I know.
2. By bladder is weak, so whenever I sneeze or cough, sometimes I pee a little. This is so annoying as I have to change my underwear a few times a day.
3. I fart a lot. Happens.
4. I am feeling more sexual and want to have sex all the time. Hahaha!
5. I do get gunk coming out down there too. Not too much, but definitely there. Ew!

Okay that's all! Be good!

love, momma

you're a...

2010-01-28T18:29:00.000-08:00

Dear PS,

Oh my. Oh my. Our world has been rocked. We found out today that you are a GIRL! What? You!? I am so excited, although it was quite unexpected! Your dad is also happy. I know you will have him wrapped around your little finger the minute you pop out!

We didn't get good pictures of you since you were facing down the entire time! We tried moving you, but you were just too comfortable. We saw that you had the important parts though--2 legs, 2 feet, 2 arms, 2 hands, a heart, kidneys, a bladder, stomach, ears, eyes, nose, mouth. I can't wait to see you in person!

We love you so much and we are so excited that you're a girl!

love,
momma and dad (@ 20 weeks)

treasure box

2010-01-22T11:41:00.000-08:00

Dear PS,

Dad and I went antique shopping the other day. We're looking for cool pieces for your nursery.

Your dad picked up this treasure box and said, "This is for our kid."

I opened the box and inside was a cool funky telescope.

He dreams of you going into the woods and playing with this fun treasure. I think you'll like it. Don't lose it.

love, momma

PS- It was only $7!

!!!!

2010-01-21T01:09:00.001-08:00

Dear PS,

I AM SO SICK OF PEEING! I get up to pee about 4 times a night. Argh! Sometimes when I get up to use the bathroom, I can't fall back asleep!

This is a little annoying.

love, momma at 3 in the morning.

17 weeks

2010-01-08T11:22:00.001-08:00

Dear PS,

Hi little one. We saw Dr. A again today, but we didn't get to see you. Bummer. We heard your heartbeat though, and boy, it's fast! Chris came with me to the appointment, it was our first one together, but it was sort of uneventful. We'll get to see you on the 28th of this month and find out if you are are a boy or girl....dad and I both have had dreams that you're a girl. Maybe you are, maybe not, whatever you may be, we love love love you.

I'm getting bigger by the day. Now that I have a belly, it's sort of getting into your dad's brain that you're real. He even started reading a baby book. We also read you books too. Didn't you love No, David? He's so naughty. When we were home for the holidays, I witnessed your dad softening up to your cousin Olivia. By the end of our trip, he was cooing and baby talking with her, it was really endearing. He'll be a good dad.

I'm hungry all the time. Sometimes I wake up at 4 am to pee and then I can't go back to sleep until I eat something. It's sort of annoying, FYI.

That's it for now. It's so cold here. The only time I've been going out is to go to the gym. I do the elliptical everyday for 30 minutes and do some prenatal yoga too. You can make me fat, but only in my belly please. I gained another 4 pounds..I suppose I am right on track.

love you little girl or boy!

love, momma

movement

2009-12-26T09:28:00.001-08:00

Dear PS,

Merry Christmas, love. You gave me the best present this year...cause I swear I felt you move! Yes, some people say it's too early to feel movement, but Aunt Karen probably said it was you fluttering around in there. Cool beans.

Nothing too much going on. Dad and I are thankful for many things and all the blessings 2009 has brought us. We're looking forward to 2010 and finally getting to meet you.

My jeans are tight on me now and I definitely have a little belly. See? There you are. Last time I went to the doctor, I gained 5 lbs. Wow, thanks little one.

love, momma (@ 15 weeks)

2nd trimester officially has begun

2009-12-11T12:58:00.000-08:00

Dear PS,

I saw Dr. A today. He was extremely nice and thorough and wonderful! We went through my medical history, did a pap and culture, heard your heartbeat again, and confirmed that you are 13 weeks. We did a lot of prenatal blood work and got an H1N1 flu shot too.

He gave me an estimated due date of June 19, 2010.

He called me a "unique" patient considering my history. He said what I went through, with one ectopic and one interuterine pregnancy, happens to 1 in 30,000 women. Wowzers. Once again it confirms that you are a miracle, PS.

To celebrate that you're healthy and strong, I think I'll buy this blabla toy for you. I absolutely adore this organic company:

Okay I love you!

love, momma

symptoms

2009-12-09T06:04:00.000-08:00

Dear PS,

Being pregnant is fine, for the most part. I don't truly have morning sickness (which many people say is a sign that you're a boy), but I do get nauseous sometimes and I get these killer headaches! I think I need to up my water intake and eat more frequently.

I arrived in Missouri. It's not as bad as I thought it would be. I mean, yes, there is nothing to do around here, but surprisingly there are a lot of Korean restaurants and grocery stores. And of course, as much as I hate on it, Wal-mart does have everything I need.

On Monday, I did all my friggin paperwork for the Military. I then went to the hospital to try and see an ob-gyn there. I have been talking to this nurse, Miss Jeffrey, who just happens to be an angel sent from God. She went to the ob department and BEGGED that I get seen in the next week or so, even though they did not have any available appointments. Well, she did good because I'm seeing a doctor this Friday. Yay! We'll see how you're doing...

I think I'm done with my first trimester. Oh yes, another thing that's bothering me is that I can't sleep well at night. I toss and turn, get up to go pee, I truly feel like I am half awake most of the night. I know it bothers your dad too. Sucks. I guess you're keeping me up at night, even though I can't really feel you.

love you,
momma

from dad

2009-12-07T05:58:00.000-08:00

*a letter Chris wrote even before he knew about my letters to PS*

Nov 6, 2009

To my unborn child,
I am not a good man, but because you are here, I will be the best father I can be. I’m in anticipation of your arrival, not knowing who you are, who you will become, or what you will look like. But I await your arrival with anticipation. I want to give you everything I’ve learned, I want to show you everything I’ve seen, I want to tell you everything I’ve been told. This world is beautiful, I want you to see it, to experience it, to want it. I want to expand your horizons, I want to stimulate your senses, I want you to want to live life. I promise to hold you when you need it, to shove you when you want it, and let you go when you’re ready. Love life, love each other, and love yourself.

*side note- I was informed that Chris was drunk when he wrote this.*

you're growing!

2009-11-13T17:13:00.001-08:00

Dear PS,

Today was my final appointment with Dr. W at the inF clinic. I was sad to say goodbye to him, but felt so indebted to all his dedication and devotion into making you happen. I wrote him a nice card and hugged him goodbye.

I got to see you again. You're getting so big! I saw your brain, and your little arms, and elbows, and little buds for fingers. I saw your eye sockets and ear buds. I even saw a little something growing in between your legs. Now, it's still a little early, but we'll see if we're right.

You're measuring at 9w2d. You're just 2.5 cm and your heartbeat was so strong at 173 BPM!

The worry now is getting to my next ob-gyn appointment. Since I'll be in transition to Missouri, the doctors probably won't be able to see my until my 16th week. A little later than we wanted, but I know God will take care of you.

We also got the best news: after Missouri, we'll be coming back here to San Diego! Chris got orders to Camp Pendleton. Yay! You'll be born in the best city in America!

love love love you.

love, momma

boy

2009-11-09T17:38:00.001-08:00

Dear PS,

Sorry if this offends you, but I think you're a boy. In fact, everyone thinks you're a boy. We shall see.

All I'm craving/wanting to eat these days are hearty things like galbi and burgers. And junk food like wings and pizza. Yeah..you are definitely Chris's baby.

Blah. I'm hungry all the time. And I already have a pooch. It is getting harder/firmer. My pants are getting tight. I think it's pretty hilarious.

love, momma

encouragement from husband

2009-11-08T20:16:00.000-08:00

sweet note from chris.

precarious times

2009-11-04T18:37:00.000-08:00

Dear PS,

You are 8 weeks and 1 day. Usually miscarriages happen around this time, but not you. You'll make it.

I'm still sad at the loss of one. I get sad when I see pictures of multiples. But I must trust that this is God's will.

Your dad says Missouri is horrible. I'll be there in about a month.

I have 1 more appointment with Dr. W at 9 weeks...then I'll see my new obgyn in Missouri my 13th week. If everything is good at that appointment, we'll go public with the news. Right now only our close family and friends know about you.

Please be strong baby. Please be healthy.

love, momma

heartbeat

2009-10-28T18:20:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

Christina came to help me recover and save me from boredom. I love her!

We went to see Dr W. today. We did another ultrasound and I got to see you again. You are beautiful! Only about a cm big, but the 3D pics showed that you are developing your spine. I love you already!

We heard and recorded the heart beat...still strong at 158 BPM.

I have faith that you'll make it. You're a fighter. 7 weeks and 2 days.

love, momma

listen to the baby's heart beat here:

we lost one

2009-10-25T18:05:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

We lost one of you.

It all started Thursday afternoon when I had a constant pain in my lower right abdomen. I knew this wasn't a good sign of pregnancy, so I called my brother who took me to the ER. After waiting in the waiting room for 5 hours, they finally admitted me for tests. They did an extensive ultrasound in which they found 1 baby in the uterus and another possible one in the fallopian tube. After much discussion, they decided to discharge me because they were not sure it was a tubal pregnancy.

The next day, Dr. W called very concerned that I was discharged from the ER. He called me into his office right away and also did various sonograms with me. I got to see the baby and hear the heartbeat, but again, it was not clear if there was an ectopic pregnancy in the tube.

Better safe than sorry, the doctors suggested I go into surgery. They would determine if indeed it was a tubal pregnancy and follow through as necessary. Dr W was there for the surgery and he assured me that the baby in the uterus would be safe. The risk if I didn't have the surgery would be fatal, so it was best I went through it.

They prepped me for surgery, and off I went. When I woke up, I was so emotional because I saw Allen, Vince, Gina, and Kim. They were all there when Chris couldn't be.

Dr. W said the surgery went well. It was an ectopic pregnancy on the verge of bursting. They cut out the right tube. The baby in the uterus is safe.

I'm sad that I lost one. How badly I wanted a set of twins so I wouldn't have to go through this again. But, I am so blessed that the one in the uterus is healthy and safe.

Dr. W said there was only a slight chance of miscarriage since you had a very strong heartbeat.

I'm just recovering now. My belly button hurts because of the incisions they had to make.

What a crazy week. But God is faithful always.

love, momma

so sad to say goodbye

2009-10-20T18:03:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

I can't stop crying or being so sad. Your dad left today for Missouri. I know I'll see him soon enough in 4 weeks, but it was so sad to say goodbye.

I know I'm extra hormonal and emotional; I know I'm still sick; I know it's because circumstances have changed, but I don't want to be away from him anymore.

Even if I have to be miserable in Missouri, at least I'll be with him.

love, momma

the flu in SF

2009-10-18T18:01:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

This weekend I got very sick. Your dad and I traveled to San Fran to visit family, but I developed a cough, then nausea, then a fever. I thought it was morning sickness, but I knew a fever wouldn't have been a symptom. I was so worried that you were not safe. I had to tell SF aunt and uncle, and cousin Julie. They said tylenol was safe to take, so I kept taking it to get my fever down. Luckily, my fever never went above 100 degrees, so I think its okay.

This is terrible. I should have gotten a flu shot.

love, momma

it's true

2009-10-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

Dear P.S.,

I took another blood test today and the HCG numbers doubled!! That means I'm pregnant! I feel incredibly blessed and excited! I can't believe it worked! God is good! The doctor wonders how many are growing inside....twins!? I hope!

love, momma

REALLY???

2009-10-07T17:54:00.000-07:00

Dear P.S.,

I'M PREGNANT.

Yesterday was 2 weeks from ovulation, but I refused to take a test. I just waited all day for my period to come, but it didn't.

I went to bed and I had a dream that I took a pregnancy test and it was positive (with happy faces :)). I woke up, needing to go pee, so I got a test and did it. I got on my knees and prayed..and I looked at the test and I saw 2 LINES: PREGNANT.

I woke up your dad in a daze. He couldn't believe it. We both were in shock. We prayed and thanked God. Our joy was cautious though...we knew it had to be confirmed with the docs.

Well, I took a blood test, thinking the results would come back tomorrow, but Dr. W called us that evening with the good news! My HCG levels were very high! Usually, it would be at 100, but mine was at 350, indicating that I could have multiples! Amazing!!!!! Dr. W was so thrilled and happy.

I'll take another blood test on Friday to see if the levels are rising and then from there, an ultrasound to see how many there are.

We are still being cautious but we know that this is all from God. He'll take care of us. He makes no mistakes.

So excited you're here!!!

love, momma

sex #2

2009-09-22T17:53:00.000-07:00

Dear P.S.,

Sex this morning. Ovaries don't hurt as bad as last time.

XOXO

love, momma

just married and good news

2009-09-19T17:49:00.000-07:00

Dear P.S.,

Yesterday was our wedding! It was absolutely perfect, fun, and joyous. Your dad and I are so blessed to have family and friends in our lives. My favorite parts of the wedding were saying our vows that we wrote ourselves and our getaway on the tandem bike, Oh I loved loved loved it!

Today, the after the wedding, I had to take a blood test. Dr. W then called me into Balboa for a sonogram. He was relieved he did so, because if he had waited one more day, he probably would have had to cancel this cycle. Anyways, there are 3 really good follicles- about 18, 19, and 17. He said to trigger that night and sex 36 hours later. He really sat and talked with me about the possibilities. 25% chance I'll get pregnant. Might be multiples. We'll try for another cycle right after if it doesn't happen.

Well, Christina gave me the shot at a Korean restaurant (!!!) and then sex Tuesday morning...For some reason I am not stressed about this.

God's timing is perfect.

love, momma

cycle 2 begins

2009-09-08T17:47:00.001-07:00

Dear P.S.,

The baseline was today. Honestly, I had no expectations--I just trusted in God.

Dr. L. was especially nice today and he agreed to see me after hours to accommodate my work schedule.

So, another cycle begins today. Am I hopeful? Anxious? Worried? No...I feel like I have truly let go of all of that. I'm thankful for another chance, but my hope is completely in God.

The expression: "Let go, and let God," sums up how I feel.

Love you,

momma

welcome olivia

2009-08-31T17:43:00.000-07:00

Dear P.S.,

August is almost over. My next appointment is September 8th. I am not sure what to expect..should I even start another cycle? It's in God's hands.

Your cousin Olivia was born! August 28th. She is adorable and has lots of hair! I can't wait to meet her and hold her.

Still thinking of you,

momma

cycle 1: fail

2009-08-11T23:58:00.001-07:00

Dear PS,

I got my frigggggin period.

Cycle 1: Officially FAIL.

Now I must pray we get another chance.

love, momma

dream

2009-08-11T08:18:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

I woke up with that dream again..that I had beautiful twin girls. It was such a peaceful dream.

I s God talking to me? I won't be anxious. If it doesn't happen this time, it will happen next time. I know.

love, momma

thought i was okay..

2009-08-10T23:26:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

I thought I was okay, and I was, but then I wasn't. I cried and cried and cried. I'm not sad about possibly not being pregnant, I'm just so disappointed that Dr. L didn't proceed with my best interest in mind (or so it seems to me).

I know I am being awfully pessimistic right now, but I just feel so so sad. Chris came home and let me cry a little. I know he hates seeing me like that. He keeps telling me to have more faith, that we'll keep trying, that we won't give up. He talked to his monitor and will most surely request that we will be stationed in DC or San Diego...because these are the ONLY 2 PLACES that have military infertility clinics.

Oh no. I'm letting negative thoughts consume me. Not good. Be happy and grateful and have faith. You'll come, I'm sure.

love, momma

doctors suck

2009-08-10T17:40:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

Today I called and talked to Dr. W about how to proceed. It was not a settling conversation:

Dr. W: "Have you been taking progesterone?"
me: "No. Dr. L never gave them to me."
Dr. W: "How big were your eggs?"
me: "16, 14, 14."
Dr. W: "I wonder why they proceeded when they were so small."

I can't believe it! Dr. W was on leave the past few weeks and I've been seeing Dr. L and obviously Dr. L didn't proceed the way that MY doctor would. Oh dear.

The good news: I still could be pregnant. Perhaps I tested too early... I still haven't gotten my period.

The disconcerting news: Dr. W said we only have time for one more cycle before we leave for Missouri.

It makes me anxious, but I know God has a plan.

I love you still.

love, momma

negative

2009-08-09T17:38:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

Above is a picture of my Sharps box and a picture of all the shots from my 1st cycle.

I took a pregnancy test today and it was negative. I'm disappointed but at peace. God's will, God's will.

love, momma

one line?

2009-08-08T17:35:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

T-2 days until expected period. I'm cautiously waiting. I'm waiting until said date to take a pregnancy test. I keep imagining seeing 2 pink lines. I keep thinking about how I would tell your dad. Then I think about the possibility of only seeing 1 line. I'd be disappointed for sure, but devastated? No. I won't surrender to my sorrows. I'll just get back up and try again.

I love you.

love, momma

every blessing you pour out, I'll turn back to praise.

a letter to God

2009-08-08T17:30:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

This letter is for you.

I know you have made me. Before I was even conceived you designed and planned my life. You love me and think about me more that I can even imagine.

I sometimes don't understand why it was me that can't have babies. I don't want to feel this way, but to be honest, I question it. I look and compare. I see those lucky women and I smile and I feel joy, but I can't help to feel a little sad for me. But, I am comforted by these words:

"For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made'
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, you eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
Psalm 139-13-16

You made me. So perfect. So purposefully. And you made my Precious Souls, even before I can see them on an ultra sound, even before the sperm meets the eggs. And that is so comforting, isn't it?

I sit here so worried, so ashamed, so envious, so self-defeated, but those things are not from you. I know you want me to experience joy. The life you wrote out for me may or may not involve my own conceived children, but it's in your plan, its been there since the beginning of the beginning and I trust that.

I love you for loving me, Chris, and my Precious Souls so much.

love, grace

every gift

2009-08-06T17:29:00.000-07:00

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."

James 1:7

on my knees

2009-08-05T17:27:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

Tonight I got on my knees and prayed. Tears rolled down my face and I begged God for a miracle baby (s).

I know God won't let me down. I know my God is bigger than my doubts. My faith has to grow exponentially.

love, momma

But he said to me:

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." That is why for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthian 9:10

yes no?

2009-08-04T22:42:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

Am I pregnant or not? I go back and forth from hope to reality.

I feel nauseous and somewhat tired. I had a dream that I had 2 (twin) girls nicknamed Terror and Sweet.

I am restless at night. I ate seafood and yoga makes me dizzy.

I'm being patient and praying hard.

love, momma

Abraham + Sarah

2009-07-31T22:40:00.000-07:00

"By faith Abraham, even though he was past age-and Sarah herself was barren- was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise. And so from this one man, and he as good as dead, came descendants as numerous as the stars in the sky and as countless as the sand on the seashore."

Hebrews 11:11-12

That's our God!

Chris said to me tonight not to get my hopes up for this 1st cycle. I know that, but I wish he had a bit more faith.

pray hard.

fix you

2009-07-31T22:29:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

There is this song by Coldplay called "Fix You." Here are the lyrics:

"When you try your best but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want, but not what you need.
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep.
Stuck in reverse...

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace.
When you love someone but it goes to waste,
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home,
and ignite your bones.
I will try to fix you."

Last week, I went into the inF clinic to get a sonogram and I had to wait a little since someone was in the sonogram room.

When the lady came out, she and her husband were beaming. She thanked all the doctors and nurses and said: "No more injections! I'm pregnant!"

I felt so much joy for her and hope for me, that one day I would be that girl.

Dr. W was so kind. He's going on leave for a few weeks and he said: "By the time I get back, I expect you to be pregnant."

That made me smile very big.

"Lights will guide you home
and ignite your soul
and I will try to fix you..."

love, momma

all in God's plan

2009-07-30T22:22:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

Through this journey, I have never once felt angry. I am more hopeful and in awe with the way God works.

It's no coincidence that I married Chris and that he is part of the military. It's no coincidence that the military has an infertility clinic and that it's right down the street from us and that everything is completely paid for. This is all God's doing and I just stand in awe.

This week I started poking around the internet. I discovered webMD that has an active board for women going through infertility treatments. I learned so much through these boards. I also finally realized what an emotional journey this is going to be for Chris and I.

I also found some blogs about personal journeys and I cried so much reading them. How much these women would die for a baby! Some have tried for years, others reverted to IVF or adoption. So many of them seem like women of faith. There's a whole community out there, filled with acronyms for everything, including sex and ovulation.

There are a few things I realized after obsessing over the internet:

1. I am so blessed that our treatments are completely free.
2. I don't mean to sound like a pessamist. but most likely this 1st cycle I just completed won't produce a baby.
3. I am certain that God NEVER gives us more than we can handle.

I am so encouraged by the strength and faith of these women in the blogosphere. God has blessed them with hope and supportive husbands--myself included.

I don't ever want to feel angry or defeated, just hopeful for you, PS.

love, momma

PS 1st day in a long time I feel good enough to go to yoga.

making baby 1

2009-07-29T19:42:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

This morning was the big day!

We set our alarm to 6:30 AM and had sex. I couldn't even enjoy it sadly because my ovaries hurt so much! It felt like very very bad menstrual cramps. OW! Well, when your dad was done, he was so cute. He made sure all his sperm stayed in (ha ha) and then he said: "We're going to make this happen." That made me smile, even though I was in pain.

I had severe cramping all morning. I could barely walk! I suppose the pain meant I was ovulating, but it hurt hurt hurt!

It's now afternoon and I am feeling much better. Now I just have to pray that the eggs released and that Chris's sperm loved them.

Please please please God. I hope you were created this morning, precious.

love, momma

trigger shot 1

2009-07-28T19:40:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

Yesterday was a pivotal day.

I went to the doctors and got a sonogram. He found 3 good follicles-1 that was pretty mature (16 mm) and 2 in the gray area (14 mm).

So, last night, your dad had to give me a shot in the butt to release the eggs. I twas nerve wracking, but your dad and I were both brave about it.

So hopefully the eggs release and we'll have sex tomorrow morning and hopefully the eggs will meet the sperm.

I hope! I hope! I hope!

love, momma

encouragement from dad

2009-07-27T19:38:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

Remember that day I was so sad and devastated? The next day, I still felt sad and depressed....I couldn't stop crying. I came home and your dad left me this note:

It was just what I needed. Sometimes all I really want is your dad to ask me how I'm doing. So this is perfect.

We love you.

love, momma

great news!

2009-07-26T19:36:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

Great news! My ovaries are finally reacting to the hormones! I have several follicles in both ovaries! yay! No wonder my ovaries have been hurting lately.

Dr. W was very pleased with the progress. We'll see...

love love love you.

love, momma

defeated

2009-07-21T19:35:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

Today I felt so defeated. I got so frustrated with the medicine and making sure it went into the syringe correctly. I had to it 3 times until it was correct. But I don't know why I cried so much today. I've tried so hard to keep it together, to be strong, to not get emotional, but today was too much.

Chris was right there to hold me and wipe away my tears, but I couldn't stop.

Blame it on the hormones.

love, momma

Hannah in 1 Samuel

2009-07-19T19:30:00.000-07:00

Hannah was an infertile woman in which "the Lord closed her womb" (1 Samuel 1:5). This troubled Hannah and she prayed to God for a child and promised that "O Lord Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the Lord for all the days of his life" (1 Samuel 1:11).

And guess what? God was faithful and "the Lord remembered her" (1 Samuel 1:19). And she gave birth to a son named Samuel "because I asked the Lord for him" (1 Samuel 1:20).

Amazing story of faithfulness. Hannah fulfilled her promise and gave Samuel to God, although it must have been so hard to let her only (miracle!) child go. Yet HER faithfulness was honored because "the Lord was gracious to Hannah; she conceived and gave birth to three sons and two daughters" (1 Samuel 2:21).

Wow. When we ask God for something in prayer and he answers us, then we must honor him through it and will get blessed even more.

My hope is that we will honor God through you, P.S.

love, momma

away we go

2009-07-18T19:28:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

Your dad and I saw a great indie movie called "Away We Go." It's about a young couple pregnant and their exposure to varying parenting styles. I loved the movie and cried so much.

My mom suggested every time I take a shot, I saw a quick prayer asking God to make it possible to conceive you. I do pray, PS, but I also have faith that you will come to us.

love, momma

Pinch, Pray, Poke. (that's my routine as I give myself a shot)

2nd blood test

2009-07-17T19:26:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

I had my second blood test and still no follicles, no eggs. We increased the dosage to 3 vials. The doctor told me not to worry--he suspected that it would take a while.

With 3 vials, the shots burn even more, but I do it, each night.

The doctor did say something funny though. He said that his goal was to get me pregnant this month. A-whaaaat!? When he said it would take a while, I thought he meant months to a year--but this month!? Wow. I have to pray big for you, baby.

love love love you.

love, momma

update on life

2009-07-14T19:23:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

Here I am on a lovely afternoon- sunny and pleasant here in San Diego. Your dad and I love this place. We wish we could raise you here--but most likely we'll call lots of places home due to the military.

Speaking of which...we're moving to Missouri a few days after the wedding. It was only your dad that was originally going to go, but after many talks, discussions, compromises, we made the decision that it's best if we stick together. I'm going to miss San Diego and our beautiful home and awesome friends, but this is a good decision. I am at peace with it. Our priority is each other and our family and he and I have to be together to give this fertility treatment a fair shot.

I can't believe it...Missouri! But it's only for 5 months, then we think DC. We'll be near family, but I particularly never wanted to live back there ever. Oh well, we'll see what God has in store for us.

love, momma

first blood test

2009-07-13T19:22:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

Today was my first blood test to see how the medicine was working.

The doctor called--not much change. He increased the dosage to 2 vials.

It will take time, I know.

I'll wait.

love, momma

break down

2009-07-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

Today your dad worked late and I had to do the shot on my own. I couldn't get all the air bubbles out of the syringe. I tried 2 times until I got fed up and started to cry. I was just frustrated, that's all. I wasn't thinking: "Why me?"

I called your dad and he must have heard the sadness in my voice and said he would leave work right away.

He came home, gave me a kiss, and helped me.

I really love your dad.

love, momma

it has begun

2009-07-06T19:14:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

Tonight I started the shots. Your dad and I stood in our bathroom and read the directions carefully. I am not good at reading directions-I just like to do it. But dad...he always tries to be thorough. We were both nervous, I could tell. My knees were weak and I kept thinking about the needle...but I tried to keep a brave face in front of your dad.

We put 1 CC of water into the syringe then mixed it with the powder (one vial). We carefully put it back into the syringe, careful not to get air bubbles. We stuck on the needle and then held our breath.

Dad had to leave the room-he couldn't watch me poke myself.

I took a deep breath, turned away from the mirror, and stuck it in. I was surprised at how little it hurt. It burned a little when the medicine went in, but it was easy.

Here's to you kid.

love, momma

verse

2009-06-21T00:16:00.000-07:00

"Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know."

Jeremiah 33:3

your dad

2009-06-21T00:10:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,
Today is father's day! Yay! Technically your dad is not a dad yet, but we can still celebrate!

I love him so much. He makes me crazy and happy and silly and giddy and angry all at the same time. Sometimes I try to imagine him as a daddy and I get butterflies. You're going to love him so much too!

He's truly intelligent and handsome. He's hard working and cares for others. He loves his Miller Lite and *attempting* to cook. He's a good marine officer who cares a lot about his Marines (sometimes a little too much).

I think your dad and I have a special relationship. I hope you can see the amount of love, respect, and fun we have for each other and together. We're going to be great parents I guarantee! You'll probably hate us for being so corny but you'll love us for always making you laugh.

Your dad and I made some life goals, and I wanted to write them down so I won't forget:

1. Live abroad.
2. Volunteer at a refugee camp.
3. Travel the world for a year.
4. Raise strong, open minded, compassionate, and hilarious children.

Bottomline: I hope that we won't let life tie us down. I hope you're okay with that because life is too short and it most certainly is meant to be lived to the fullest.

I love you, PS. And I love your daddy more. He's the best. (sometimes).

love, momma

it's been a while

2009-06-20T00:06:00.000-07:00

Dear PS,

It's been a while. Dad came back from his 2nd deployment in April. We moved to a new place here in San Diego. It's nice having him back, although we had to go through a difficult readjustment period. I suppose we'll be going through a lot of those as a family. We have to be strong through all the deployments. We are a family and we never give up.

I hope we get to raise you in San Diego. I love it. I don't want to raise you in the DC area where we grew up. I don't want you to be closed minded like many people we grew up with. Growing up here in San Diego would be so ideal.

So, the last time I went to the inF doctor was in April with your dad. We decided to start trying in June/July. It was a good appointment as the doctor assured us that there was a 99% chance we would be able to get pregnant. He also gave your dad a good talk about being supportive. It's going to be a long and painful process, but I'll do it. I'll stick needles in me even though I'm scared as shit, if it means I'll get to hold you in my arms. I love you, PS.

Oh and we found out that Aunt Karen and Uncle John are having a girl named Olivia. I hope she's cool.

love, momma

1st cousin!

2009-02-03T23:57:00.000-08:00

Dear PS,

Your Aunt Karen is pregnant! How exciting!!! I am so ecstatic for her and John!

Your big cousin is on the way!

love, momma

your momma

2009-02-02T23:55:00.000-08:00

Dear PS,

I just want to let you know that your momma is one wacko woman. I love life!

I try to cut out all the BS. And I try to enjoy every moment.

I am a lover of vintage items, clothes, bright colors, photographs, unique ideas, Jesus, children, traveling, your dad, writing, shoes, organized clutter, and so much more.

You're so lucky. :)

love, momma

promises

2009-02-01T23:50:00.000-08:00

Dear PS,

There is one think I want to write to you as a promise to myself. As I go through this treatment, trying to get pregnant, I will not allow myself to:

1. feel sorry for myself that I can't get pregnant.

2. feel like a failure if I can't have my own kids.

3. feel jealous of other people's prenancies.

All too often I hear about these barren, desolate women, feeling like they are worthless or not feeling happiness for other people.

I will remain positive and optimistic. You will come to us, I am sure.

love, momma

appointments

2009-01-27T23:43:00.000-08:00

Dear PS,

I used the hormone patch the doctor prescribed. Your dad left in September. I went back to the doctor in November.

Bad news.

The uterus did not grow as expected. The doctor suggested I increase the dosage of hormones and hoped that this would expedite the process.

So I continued with those patches. I hated that I had to wear them on my body and that they got so icky after a few days. Imagine after a sweaty yoga class, how filthy they were! And I just couldn't believe the patch: how could this STICKER help me uterus to grow?

But..I stuck with it because I had faith and I wanted to give you a fair chance.

My appointment in December was encouraging. My uterus lining had gotten thicker. The doctor was pleased. That appointment was a defining moment because it made me believe that this could really happen.

I just had January's appointment and it was a good conversation with the doctor.

My uterus grew and is now bigger than my cervix (ie I went through puberty) and now I can begin with the hormones to try and produce eggs.

I asked the doctor frankly: What are the chances I can get pregnant?

He said: "Very high. Women with your condition have a better chance in getting pregnant than a woman who is older and not producing eggs."

He even said that a woman who has the same condition as me is now pregnant. So it is possible.

When I asked, "How long would it take?"

He was much more vague. It all depends on how my body reacts to the hormones. It will take a lot of monitoring and trial and error.

So, I predict a very emotional time for your dad and I. But..I am positive. And thankful. And hopeful that you'll be here soon enough.

We love you and we're thinking about you..and even praying for you everyday, love.

love, momma

some background

2009-01-27T23:28:00.000-08:00

Dear PS,

I am determined to try and have you on my own. Your dad and I eloped last May and soon after we started talking about you. I knew having a child would be difficult.

You see, I never got my period when I was 18. I had to go see numerous doctors and do various tests. I started to see an endocronologist who started me on hormones. I saw her for 7 years. By the time it came for me to move to Japan, the doctor gave me my medical records and assured me that I would be able to conceive a child with some help. That is: I had all the "goods," I just needed a jump start to get my eggs going. It always was in the back of my mind that perhaps one day I would have my own children.

Fast forward to August 2008. Your dad was set to be deployed to Iraq for the 2nd time. We set a date for our wedding. We wanted to find out how you would come to be a part of our family: would you come from me? Or from another family? We just wanted to be proactive. I was at peace with whatever the answer was because I knew you would come someway, somehow.

The doctors did some tests on your dad and I. Your dad came out fine- of course he had strong sperm. Me? Not so good news loomed.

The doctor told me that my uterus was underdeveloped: that I had not gone through puberty completely. The size of my uterus would not allow a baby to come to full term. This frustrated me because I was told that everything was "good to go" from my endo.

Anyways, the doctor suggested I use a hormone patch to try and increase the uterus and lining. I left uneasy: perhaps I wouldn't be able to carry a child on my own. I was fine with the idea of adopting, but I knew your dad wanted you to come from us if possible...so I knew I had to try.

I'll try, for you.

love, momma

your journey

2009-01-25T23:25:00.000-08:00

Dear PS,

It was put on my heart to start this journal for you. You aren't even conceived or in my tummy, but I want to let you know that you are on my heart long before your dad and I even created you.

I'm afraid your journey into this world will be a tough one- and perhaps you'll enter into our family not from my womb, but from another. Yet, no matter how you became ours, you are so loved today more than you will ever know. I know God will bless us with you in some way.

I'm thinking of you and praying for you even before your heart starts beating.

love, momma

hi there

2009-01-24T23:22:00.000-08:00

Dear baby,

Should I call you baby? Babies? Should I call you one of the names on my running list of baby names? Baby would be appropriate- but you won't be a baby forever. So, I think I will call you Precious Soul, PS for short. Well, PS, this journal is for you.

love, momma